The early days: Motherhood

A story about my first child. Happened a long time ago.

I had it easy. I would say. Thank God. Pregnancy was smooth until 7 months when the pressure from the uterus almost crashed my pelvic floor. Had to do physiotherapy for that. I only did 3 sessions. Why? Because easing it professionally costed me about $120 per session. So, it was either that or finding the cure myself. The second option sounded reasonable and less pricey since I had 12 more weeks to go. Bit by bit, I figured that when I sleep on the right side, it’s better in the morning. Also, if I happen to put the pregnancy pillow between my legs at night, it was way better in the morning. Like 80% better. Except I couldn’t walk around with it. 

Side note: The pain felt in my pelvic floor started when I was 4 months pregnant. I address my concern to my OBGYN. I asked if they could check if my pelvic is small or whatever. I had read about that on google but I trusted my real doctor. Not doctor google. Guess what the real doctor said: “The baby might be big”. Alright. Now I had something to worry about from 4 months. If the baby is big enough to cause pain at 4months, what will happen at 9months? I mean where is the baby going to pass? 

9 months later, water flushed out and here I was being induced. For 36hours, my cervix opened for about 3cm even if the induction medicine was at 20. They said that they never reach 20. Or if they did, someone’s cervix is at least at 8cm open. See the difference with mine. 3cm instead of 8 for 36hrs.

Mind you at 2cm, I was already bouncing on the balloon, looking in my husband’s eyes asking him to not whisper any word of wisdom. But he did. Did those words help in that moment? I can’t remember. 

At the end of the days, the baby came through caesarean section. Here I was not feeling proud of giving birth through c-section. I was thinking that I failed myself while being on a bed not even able to sit straight. Because the baby didn’t tear me up down there. Because I didn’t get to push or feel like I should surrender my life to God when doctors are shouting “one more push, I can see the head”. I had all the scenarios in my head of how I will get my reward baby after all the sweat and tears at the end of the pushing. And none of it happened the way I planned it. My body didn’t allow it and thinking of it later. I thank God it didn’t. Reason for that later. 

My baby was safe, cute and most importantly healthy. I cried every time I held him. Tears of joy and of pain of trying to latch him. Let me not start on that.

Having a baby! 

It’s the most amazing thing you’ll get to experience as a parent if of course you are happy to have that baby in your life. That doesn’t mean that you’ll always find it amazing. No. Of course not. Some days, when you are so tired, haven’t showered for 2 days or washed your hair in 2 weeks or months. When you forgot to brush your teeth and it’s at the end of the day. When your mind shuts down for a couple of hours after waking up, I can go on with an endless list of new habits you surprisingly find yourself picking on ‘mostly bad ones not on purpose’. You question your existence and wonder when it will all get better. But it does get better. 

For someone who had a c-section, I can testify that it does get better. Probably not in the first week. Or maybe not in the second week either. Because then you’ll probably see someone who gave birth naturally saying “I can’t believe I pushed this little one 3 days ago” while going on a walk. “Really?” You are thinking. That could’ve been me. But it’s not. And acceptance in that moment is not an easy thing to do.

To be honest, nobody had it easy. It’s just the mindset. It’s hard either way. But recovery is not the same. Let not anyone tell you c-section recovery is the same as vjay delivery. Wait; what do I know? Hmmm I’ll ask and keep you posted.

Anyway, with each step your baby makes, as a parent, you rejoice. Another milestone. Wow. Thinking that we all have been there. Crazy! We all couldn’t hold our neck straight at some point in our lives. It’s wild thinking about where we all came from. 

I remember, holding my baby like an egg. Then going in the bathroom after to cry. Cry about what? I don’t know. I blamed it on my hormones most of the time. There, I felt like superwoman and helpless at the same time. I kept asking myself: How am I able to feed this human being and   still feel like I have no life of my own anymore? (If you find yourself struggling to adjust with the newborn and the new life, please seek professional help. It’s worth it)

Freedom? It flew out of the window the exact moment the doctor handed me the baby. I had no freedom to do what I wanted to do or to think only about myself anymore. That was never a possibility I had no longer in my life. And let me tell you, that’s very hard to accept too. The baby is a part of what you have to consider in the cause, consequences and benefits of your every actions. Anything is going to impact them. If you go to a nail salon and spend more than an hour, you miss being with your baby and little did you know guilt start to accuse you of being a bad mother. Or let’s say you choose to be with your baby 24/7 and you bring them to a restaurant. Arriving at the restaurant, you realize that the sooner they cry, the sooner you regret your decision of having brought them in the first place. You know their screaming has nothing to do with the playlist people were listening to. But it’s the only song they’re hearing for the last 5 or 10mins. Now you came happy, but you are going back home mad at the whole world. It’s not easy. But again, it gets better with time.

With that being said, I can say that slowly everything becomes clearer. The lack of freedom you felt will go away bit by bit. Counting by days or years when the so-called baby is off for college. Okay maybe not that far. But when they start daycare for example. If not working, you can rearrange your days and fit one or 2 activities you used to do before. Take an hour or half of it from the 24hrs we all have and do something good for yourself. As little as it is, you may be surprised how it can lift up your mood and make you feel alive again. 

Keep going. You can do this.