Keep Going: Singlehood

Not everyone wants to get married. Trust me. Some of my friends are good being single or having a non-detachment agreement with someone for the rest of their lives. Let’s face it. It’s a big commitment. For those who decide to go through it. It’s not a light decision to make when you’ve had a couple of drinks or when you’re being proposed under the Eifel towel saving yourself from embarrassment. It’s a decision that should take place in your mind way before you think of screaming out the magical words. Yes

As I mentioned from introduction. This is a non-judgement place. Whatever you think. Say it to yourself or mention it to your friends and most importantly share it in my comment, I want to hear it. It won’t be public. Trust me.

Anyways, back to what I was saying. Or should I say this first. Be patient with yourself. And most importantly, evaluate what you need in your life before agreeing to sharing it with someone else. 

Some of us give it 50-50. You find a good guy, good enough to accept your craziness and it works out well and you get married. Others keep on dating the wrong ones (something your gut tell you or holy spirit). Those ones decide either to remain single or chose to be with the wrong ones and live the consequences later.

Why do you want to get married? A question my successful cousin kept asking me. I mention successful because she can do anything she wants with her own means. Even find a man. Is that bad? From a feminist point of view, no. From a modern type of woman POV no. From a traditional woman who believe in taboos and grandmas’ sayings, she is a hoe. A certified one. She dates and when it’s not working, she moves on. Does she get hurt? Of course. Because each time, she hoped that one she is currently with will bring her more peace, but it doesn’t work out that well. One thing I commend her from her dating life. She does not give up and she does not live with her dates. No matter if they have dated for 2 years or 2 months. 

Back to me. I was single for almost 5 years. I was not dating anyone for 5 years. How? You may ask. Well, no one dared to ask me out. “What?” Yes. Some of you might think that I look like the ogre. Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder so you may be right to think that way. But from my eyes, I am a catch. My friends share the same opinion. I was well raised, had good GPA, worked out and had a decent job. 

In my life, I had had a maximum of two boyfriends. First one being a mistake. I wanted to feel what having a boyfriend feels like and it was nothing interesting. But I cried when we broke up. The second one being a mistake too. He was older. Thinking that he will love me much more. You know care more. Maybe those were daddy issues needed to be solved? I cried more than the first one. Why? Because I couldn’t believe he just lost a catch. Safe to say that I was worrying about myself then more than him. You know when you cry while analyzing yourself. “I am this, I am that. I did this and that? How come he doesn’t want that?”  And after a couple of weeks, I knew deep down that it was a mistake. How? My gut. Also, I felt like when I started to tolerate little things that irritated me from the other person and constantly asking them to change. That was a big red flag too. They didn’t change so I left.

In those five years of singlehood, my siblings urged me to go out. Which was not my style, but I went out. Didn’t meet anyone who was up to my standards.

I sang in a Cathedral church. Solo. Which meant that I have a great voice otherwise that’d be embarrassing for the choir and the church. Not to brag but hey! And there was this guy, coming every Sunday at 9am service. Man oh man. I prayed to God so he can see me. Well, he did see me, but did nothing. My cousin encouraged me to reach out to him. I said no. I stood my grounds “if he is a man enough, he will ask me out”. “Childish” She’d respond. My cousin lived thousands of miles away, so she couldn’t be my wing-woman. Long story short, I changed my prayer a year after no pursue and asked God to remove any crush feeling I had on him. And he did a couple months after. I’d say that God helped me to not look in his direction and overtime, it helped to see him as a regular member of the church who might be carrying lots of burdens. And God knows I didn’t want anyone with burdens. Mine were enough to carry in that moment. 

So, the big question was: Where can I meet someone nice, kind and decent looking? In the club? Library? Supermarket? Church? Coffee shop? 

For three years, I focused on myself. Worked out. Bought myself a car, had a nice apartment, brought myself to dinner once every two weeks. Had fun with my friends. Occasionally praying to God to change the 9am church guy’s heart. But snapping out of it in matters of days. And eventually, I met Leon. Who I have met before. Who had told me that he’ll marry me. Back then, I took it as a joke, but when we met again. Let’s say that all jokes were set aside.

Leon made everything easier. Didn’t give me a headache or wanting to argue with me over anything. No one had to compromise anything. Everything seemed to move perfectly, and I didn’t have to ask him to change anything. Except. No, I won’t say it “it’s childish”. We dated for a couple of years, and he proposed on New Year’s Eve after I’ve given him enough hints that if he doesn’t, it’ll be too bad for him.

So, for those of you who have been waiting. Longer than five years or less. Keep going. Focus on yourself. Keep your standard straight and don’t accept anything less. Work and get your own money. DO NOT WISH TO DEPEND ON ANY MAN OR WOMAN FINANCIALLY OR EMOTIONALY. 

I know some women like to be taken care of. In other words, asking (directly or indirectly) for the man to buy them something. Gifts not included. But that’s not the way to live. I assure you. Have your own goods and enjoy your man spoiling you. Because if you depend on a man, it will be hard for you to leave that relationship. Deep down, you’d be scared of ending as a homeless or back to your parents or starting from the bottom. Which you could never do. Hence why you will end up choosing to stay. So get your coin and be with whoever that meets your values and standards. 

Stay strong ladies and gentleman. Be patient and strive to build something that will last instead of something you know will crumble in the next couple of years. But again, if you know what you are entering in is not going to take you anywhere. And you don’t want to let go of it. Well, suit yourself!