BE A BETTER YOU – FOR PARENTS

I understand that no one is born with all the knowledge the world possesses. Absolutely no one. Even the ones who constantly speak from a scientifically or psychologically or physiologically or whatever logically point you are speaking from. You don’t know and will never know or do everything right. No matter how or what you think you know. Just seat down. And relax. You won’t know everything about everybody ever. Even your own children. 

Parents. Especially the ones who think they have done everything and their children who they thought they knew turned out to be different from what they hoped for. 

First, do you know your child (ren)? 

Second, on what level do you know your children?

If you dare to ask some parents about a happy memory of their children, their mind will quickly bounce to the time when they were 2-3 years old. 

Seriously? Yes. 

They would remember the little silly things their child used to do. Things that used to make them laugh. From 6 and up, they can’t remember any right thing they child did. Everything seems to be a mistake since then. “Remember how you pushed Dom on the bike. Remember how you used to steal Rana’s ice-cream?” It sounds funny 10 years later. But deep down, it’s actually not funny. It shows how those parents had time for someone who asked little of their time and when the child grew into a little journalist, asking a bunch of questions, the parent had no time to answer or notice their curiosity. It’s very sad, because when those parents saw the little journalist coming, they would disappear, put news on, seek something else to do around the house or even avoid being in the presence of their children. 

Fast forward 10 years later, the parent wants to discipline them. Tell them what to do. Which by the way was a step they missed out on when those now teenagers were toddlers. But did they even remember that? No. 

Those parents want to dictate and re-shape the directions of those teenagers now. Which is too late because those children needed guidance when they were 6. Not 14, or 15..They needed you to answer their questions so they can learn (by internalizing) what’s right and what’s wrong. And now, here you are parenting in a toddler manner to someone whose mind and body is trying to figure out if they should still behave as a child or as an adult. You the parent are trying to compare the teenager to a 5-year-old. “I remember when you used to be so calm, respectful. And now you are rebellious to everything I say.” 

Hmm, when was the child calm exactly? When you asked them to shush and no bother you with their questions. When you entered the room, and it seemed like a monster had arrived? When exactly are you referring to? 

As I said from the beginning, nobody on this planet earth knows everything. Hence the reason, you got that prize in physics. Which means that you are good in physics. Probably not in history. Okay maybe you know Napoleon Bonaparte’s height was above average during his time. Good for you. But, you see what I mean. You don’t know everything. What? You knew ants smells through their antennas? Still, you don’t know everything even if your ego is lying to you telling you that you do. 

Back to the parents who believes they are ‘know it all’. I would say, go heal from the wounds you grew up with. For all the negligence you suffered. All the attention you didn’t get. No need to transfer the suffering to your children. As an adult, if you see that you are repeating mistakes on purpose, consciously and intentionally, go repent and seek healing. It won’t do you any good to emphasize your pride on people who are not proud of the parent you are. 

It’s easy to say “oh this child didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to be. They are a disappointment”. A question for you: What did you do to contribute to their life from their childhood? Food? A roof over their head? Beating? Insults? Low self-esteem? Fear? High unattainable expectations? Love and care you didn’t get from their grandparents? Stop blaming the children without looking in the mirror yourself (the parent).

Trust me this blog is written out of love. Maybe there is a bit of anger in it. But everything is written out of love and compassion. I am empathizing with children who grew up decent, still trying to figure out their life despite the feeling of lack of guidance or love or something deep they are missing. Some are trying to speak with their parents who still believe everything they did is for their good.  

Till this day, I don’t think anybody should compare to know better because of their age. You as a parent, you probably have lived in a similar situation which implies that you know a similar situation. But the way you handled it back then, is possibly not the way you should handle it now. For instance, maybe your parent cursed you out when you did something wrong. Now as a parent instead of doing the same, seat down with your child and ask why they did such a thing and explain why they shouldn’t. Not all generations need survive condemnation to grow up. If you did back then, make sure to make easy for your next kin. 

As a parent:

• Remember that you are not perfect. Even if you think you are.   
• Learn to not see your children as a burden. If you wanted to have them. It is your responsibility to guide them since the day they are born.

Wait. You wanted them. Now, it’s hard for you to handle and take care of them. That’s ironic and selfish of you. Only God will repay you for what you deserve. Or better yet. You wanted a certain gender. And God didn’t give you that. So, you hate the child because they are not what you wanted them to be. Based on research, in most cases, the sons are preferred than the girls for many unreasonable socially purpose. Well, if that’s the case, have you thought about your mother? Do you resent her for giving birth to you? Or you think your father would have managed to do it all with his 6 months beer belly? 

Please I don’t need to throw tantrums in order to explain what every parent should do, or what they are supposed to do. Nobody in this world is asking you to populate the earth. Okay, maybe your family wants to know that you have a functioning reproductive system. But consider the damage you’ll cause to your children if you decide to bring them into this world when you don’t want anything to do with them. And as you are getting old, re-think of what you did and see if you can ask forgiveness and do better. 

Briefly,

• As a parent, find the time, the means and whatever that’s necessary to be there for your child. 
• As a parent, seek therapy and heal from your own trauma. Don’t blame your children for your own evil spirit. 
• As a parent, protect and guide your children. Do not leave them with strangers (family included). The world is not innocent, and you know it. 
• As a parent, listen to the silence of your children. 
• And finally, as a parent, take time to grow (to mature) and to always remember that you reap what you sow.